Revisiting the past.

www.onelifetaketwo.blogspot.com 

At Jefferson's request, I'll refrain from expressing an opinion.. Those closest to me are probably the only ones who can appreciate how big a deal that is. ;) 

Instead, I'll revisit something I wrote a few years ago for an online erotica collaborative. It's called Your Questions Answered. 

If you don't like it, don't do it.

I've always gotten off on giving other people pleasure - I don't do things I don't want to do for the sake of someone else. I think it's dishonest and has no place in the bedroom. With that said, I got a real surprise the other night when this conversation took place.. 

HIM: That took forever. I can't believe it took that frigging long. 

ME: I'm sorry. It didn't seem like you were having any fun. 

HIM: I don't do it because I like it. I do it because you want me to. 

I was surprised by how much that hurt. 

Judgement.

Of the small group of friends who know about my relationship woes, there's a wide spectrum of judgement on the situation and corresponding advice. 

"Bastard. Leave him and make him pay out the ass for child support."

"He's a nice guy and he doesn't beat you. What else do you think you're going to get with a kid?"

"Find someone else who'll make you happy. That'll teach him a lesson." (This is the common response.)

"Why create a broken home because you have unrealistic expectations?" (This friend is a hardcore Catholic.) 

I'm a grown woman. I don't need anyone to give me the answers, but it's fascinating to hear what woman in my age group think of unhappiness in marriage. Seems to be divided mainly into two groups - revenge or forbearance. Why does it have to be so black and white? I wish he'd agree to opening up our relationship, but I KNOW he wouldn't go for that and I'm not sure it would even work. I'd dated a few girls prior to marriage and I know that I'm not done exploring that. I have a long list of fantasies that I plan on fulfilling - some of them simple, some of them a little more difficult to pull off - but none of them mesh with the status quo in place right now. *sigh* And on the other hand, how can I so irrevocably change my family life without huge repercussions? How can I punish a child for my selfish wants? And yet.. Things can't continue as they are. It's a maze my mind runs in hundreds of times a day. 

Is an affair the answer? Or would I be making a bad situation worse? I wish I knew the answer. 

The Saturday edition.

Listening to Hard To Handle loud while the place is empty and thinking about sex. I think.. I think I have a higher sex drive than most of the friends I've discussed it with, and a somewhat different approach. One of my few exes told me that I "fuck like a guy" in that sex and love to me are very separate. Maybe that's got something to do with my past, maybe not; the first time I had sex at age seventeen, it was non-consensual. After that, I dated rarely but didn't fall in love.. Sex was fun but always seemed like it should have been something more momentous than it was (I never had an orgasm I didn't give myself, and never with someone else there). I had the prefect fuck-buddy lined up shortly before I started dating my husband, but I never took advantage of that, either. I'm sure that maybe sex and love can go hand in hand but for me, that's not the case. Ironically, it was marriage that reinforced that for me, not dating. 

So.. a few nights ago after a long drought, my husband starts fiddling with something by the side of the bed before leaning over me while I was reading. I thought he was going to turn out my light, but as it happened he'd lubed himself up and just shoved his dick into me. Five minutes later, it was all over and I was wondering how the hell we got here. So many articles and sex-help books advise "tell your man exactly what you want!" What if you've told him, drawn maps, tried to coach him through it? What if he doesn't care? What then? I won't be an extension of his wanking. I can't do it. 

Three of Clubs.

I didn't think much of it before, but my contact with the outside world is so limited to the neccessary. The Post Office, the grocery store, children's shoe store, pharmacy, the bank. The mundane. I don't have those interludes of fun or freedom that other mothers talk about, and I don't have a partner in crime. There's a private local BDSM club that I've been invited to as a guest, but that's such a hark back to the past - with my husband being so firmly vanilla, I haven't played in any sense in close to eight years. I'm uncertain of myself in what would now be unfamiliar territory and putting myself into that situation alone is probably running before I can walk. I want to make a start on breaking out of this bubble, I really do. I just don't know where to start. Grr. 

Should I?

I have never been good with introductions, so I'll keep it simple. I started out as a naive girl broadening my horizons, and somewhere along the way I fell into a relationship with a close male friend. Within a short space of time, we got married, had a child together and struggled through some hard times as so many new families do. I was always commitment-phobic, but I guess when I do things, I never do them by halves. Somehow, I went from answering to no-one to having responsibilities and a husband who expected that I take on a more traditional role. I did it for my baby, and because it seemed like the right thing at the time. Now.. I have a husband whose grand passion is internet porn, a growing collection of sex toys and a disappearing sense of responsibility. 

The test.

Is this on?