The Saturday edition.

Listening to Hard To Handle loud while the place is empty and thinking about sex. I think.. I think I have a higher sex drive than most of the friends I've discussed it with, and a somewhat different approach. One of my few exes told me that I "fuck like a guy" in that sex and love to me are very separate. Maybe that's got something to do with my past, maybe not; the first time I had sex at age seventeen, it was non-consensual. After that, I dated rarely but didn't fall in love.. Sex was fun but always seemed like it should have been something more momentous than it was (I never had an orgasm I didn't give myself, and never with someone else there). I had the prefect fuck-buddy lined up shortly before I started dating my husband, but I never took advantage of that, either. I'm sure that maybe sex and love can go hand in hand but for me, that's not the case. Ironically, it was marriage that reinforced that for me, not dating. 

So.. a few nights ago after a long drought, my husband starts fiddling with something by the side of the bed before leaning over me while I was reading. I thought he was going to turn out my light, but as it happened he'd lubed himself up and just shoved his dick into me. Five minutes later, it was all over and I was wondering how the hell we got here. So many articles and sex-help books advise "tell your man exactly what you want!" What if you've told him, drawn maps, tried to coach him through it? What if he doesn't care? What then? I won't be an extension of his wanking. I can't do it.